Dimensional Warriors Series - Part 1.

Dimensional Warriors - Living with Fibromyalgia:  Taking the Positive from the Negative Part 1.

Last year, I was officially diagnosed with a condition called Fibromyalgia.   Now, this condition is complex and I really do not want to go into the medical stuff because I don't know all of it myself but will discuss it from my point of view.  

I will start by own own general attitude to this news, it was a shock to discover I had fibromyalgia & for a year or two I found it really hard to accept.  Some of my lack of my acceptance stems from the public's general attitude  that this condition does not exsist; that it is all in the mind, that you are a lazy bugger & there is nothing wrong with you really & you need to get moving and why are you so slow and this is because you are unfit & you must lose weight (which I have, but that isn't the point); and blah, blah blah.  Having accusations thrown at you such as these are hard to tolerate and bear & so one usually goes into denial. 

The other reason for this lack of my acceptance stems from the facts that it appears that the medical side have no real clue as to why it occurs & why certain people get it and others don't.  I have read so many different and at times conflicting pieces of evidence regarding what causes fibro and I am unsure if medicine is actually any further down the road in knowing they whys & wherefores about this condition.  

From my point of view, I have a very low level of fibro, I do not have the full monty, it is either just low or at the start.  Of course I am hoping it is low rather than at the start and this is to do with the sensitivities that I deal with.  Medicine is one of them and I can now no longer take any type of painkiller or anti-inflammatory so I really do not want a high level of this condition & who does?  I have spoken to people that have high levels of fibro, I take my artistic beret off to these people for they cope with a level of pain that I do not & are knowledgeable about their condition.  In response, they do not know how I cope without medication.  I have had to & just do, because I am a stubborn and cantankerous old bugger & that is all there is to it.

Two of my friends, both with invisble diseases have said I should paint how it feels.  I contemplated what they said & I have done just this but I want to point out that for me at least, fibro has opened positive doors to understanding myself & I have changed a lot about my life because of this condition, which I will explain as I write this blog.

The Dimensional Warrior- The Battles we win. - Trac Davies©

This painting was the first in the series.  The Dimensional Warrior is about the daily battle & what it feels like when you live with chronic pain, it can cover many forms of invisible illness but with fibro you the Warrior, are dimensional because you are battling pain on more than one level.  It isn't as clear cut as you would like it to be.  

This painting demonstrates that you know you have lots of happy sunshine inside as indicated by the yellow background with its fluffy clouds.  It indicative of the internal positivity as you feel great internally & you use that to battle back the encroaching pain. You use all the energy you can to keep it at bay, so it doesn't totally overpower you but it still creeps in, & it licks at you. This demonstrates a good day, because despite it all, it hasn't got you totally.  The darker purples & reds is the dull ache of pain, the white is the nervous system kicking in.

The Twists & Turns of the Dimensional Warrior - Trac Davies©

This painting relates to the more positive aspects of fibro.  I have changed the way that I live & these days, I am able to take each day as it comes, no more worrying over what tomorrow may or may not bring.  In all honesty, I was never a real worrier but I do bottle things up and over time; this habit leads to the same kind of stress that worrying gives you.   

An increased sensitivity can also lead to a more positive outlook on life.  Life is really too short to be sad, unhappy, worried or negative.  I have changed my outlook and I see even more wonder in every little thing now.  Each day, when I get up it could be pouring in rain but it is always a beautiful day, always. I marvel even more in nature's glories than I did before, I wonder at the beauty of inner strength of all mankind, I am a kinder person, a happier person & I have finally accepted myself for who I am - if others do not accept or like me, that is their issue - I don't make it mine for it isn't my issue or business.   

I concentrate on my path, I help others if they ask for it but I don't offer help where it is not wanted.  Each day that goes by I try and live a better life and become a better person.  It doesn't always work for we all have bad days & as I am impatient & easily distracted, I can make huge mistakes just like everyone else does but I no longer give myself such a hard time over them.   Just as I forgive others for their mishaps that have somehow affected me, I can now do the same for myself.  

When you are diagnosed with a condition such as fibromyalgia, if you have any sense you turn and face yourself & ask, what is it I need to do to live a better and healthier life?  In this case I was lucky, a few good friends had given me a real good kick in the rear-end over various aspects of the way I was and this gave me a head-start.   

The twists and turns are indicative of the old me & the new me in battle.  Each day we recreate ourselves anyway but when we first try and do this, the old person tries to reassert themselves on the questioning psyche.  Sometimes it wins, even in later stages of recreation.  When this happened I had to learn from that lesson, face it with love and let it go & sometimes the old me, was not happy at being turned away & attempted to surface again and again.   
These incidences are less now & I vigilantly watch myself these days to ensure the old "me" stays put.  She was good in her time but I have outgrown her & I still am growing, she was a better person in the past but has no future with who I am now - in short, you change & sometimes accepting it isn't easy and you twist and writhe as you rebirth.

Dimensional Warrior - System Overload; The Sun is too Loud! - Trac Davies©

I was going to call this when the sun is too hot; (not that I suffer with this issue, winter is my hard time).  However, I thought about what entails those days when everything is too much.  For most part I manage the condition but I still have aspects that creep through & baffle the hell out of me.  I have know some people that find perfume too strong, music too loud & other things.  Apart from the medication issue, which is in part hereditary; exhaustion & sensation is where I find my systems overload.  

For example, walking over uneven ground hurts like someone is smashing my feet with a mallet. The quilt on the bed hurts my feet & feels like it weighs a ton. When I am hanging out the washing, the grass comes through my old crocs & instead of tickling my feet feels like little knives. the washing itself brushes up against me and feels like sandpaper.  This part baffles me, I cannot understand why the sensation of touch is exacerbated like this.  So, I always tend to wear boots when hanging out the washing, pull the covers higher so they don't drape over the end of the bed; etc, etc.  I get really cross about this, it makes no sense to me whatsoever although it has been said it is because the nervous system is on overdrive, I  wish it bloody well wasn't!  

The exhaustion I find when I am out walking about.  often my family are miles ahead of me and I toddle on behind because I am slow and I get very tired.   

The onion part of this painting is indicative of what it is like, there are layers upon layers of this condition, there might be a pause where no more are added for a while but then one day, you discover more & it is never ending. The four prong-like structures are indicative of nerves in the nervous system & how they appear to react to the outer stimuli.

Dimensional Warrior - Variations of Fog 1 - Trac Davies©

Fog: Everyone feels that it should be grey and to a certain degree this is true but there is more than one type of fog & each one is stimulated by a variety of things.  I have fire and ice, I have sickness and an over-stimulation of something that is good and fun.  All of these stimuli an affect what you are doing at that time and when the fogs are bad, lists are essential.  

A lot of people with fibro have issues sleeping, I am not usually in this category because I sleep through pain - in general.  If I am in pain, I can't think straight & become exhausted, that is one kind of fog.  Sometimes, the pain is fire, sometimes ice, it all depends on the stimuli and how you feel at that time.  Sometimes, when you are having such a good time it can either overwhelm or there is an aspect that triggers.  Crowds for example.  I usually am OK with them, they are not my favourite thing but occasionly I will fight to get out of a crowd.  

Sometimes, it all comes together, all at once.  What people don't realise is there is a type of beauty about it all because you become aware of things that other people either take for granted or can't see because they are mind-fixed.  I can see a crowd of people and if I am a little distant I can see the beauty of that vast oceanic tide of humanity but to become immersed in it feels something like drowning. 

These fogs that I have depicted are never stable, they shape-shift in colour and form and are living.  they have different aspects of movement as well, these are not stagnant fogs, these are the ones you learn from and can see the beauty of but there is another type of fog, I am presently working on that painting.  I will update this blog & finish what I want to say as soon as I have completed it.

Here is yet another stage of fibro and this isn't quite as positive but is still relevant.  Variations of Fog 2 - When you Lose yourself is about the darker aspects of living with an invisible disease.   I am relatively lucky, since I had an operation about two years ago I have found that many of the symptoms eased, I still have bad days but these not as much as before.  Before I had this operation I was sometimes in a great deal of pain. This mixed media piece of work how you sometimes feel.

Variations of Fog 2 - When you Lose Yourself. Trac Davies ©

When you lose yourself is when the pain gets that much that you feel that you are living in constant fog.  Your head feels like it is full of cotton wool, your brain is in a total whirl because you can't think straight, you feel naked and vulnerable, like you are wearing your condition on the outside and that's all that others can see.  This is because it often is, many people lack both understanding and the empathy to realise that in reality you feel in so much pain that you are not functioning fully.  I have had days like these but two years ago, I had an operation and the pain became less as well as the fogginess (although I still go to the fridge four times until I remember all I need!).  I no longer suffer like this but many people do and on a daily basis and there doesn't seem to be any let up for them.  

I do not know if I will paint another Dimensional Warrior.  Personally, I am much better than before but I still have this condition on a low level.  I am blessed that I don't suffer like those I have met and feel blessed.  However, I do remember what it is like to feel like this above painting, but most of all I remember how other people treated me when I was in this state.  The woman doesn't have a face for a reason, people stop seeing you, they only see the condition and your pain and suffering and some people treat those with invisible diseases such as fibromyalgia with great contempt.  For those contemptible people  who don't see you, don't have understanding, empathy or patience, I would like to say this: you want to thank the universe that you are not in this position, the world turns, we all get older and develop other health issues and some of those lead to fibro and other conditions like it.  Don't mock what you don't understand because one day you, yourself may have to understand it.  It won't be so funny then.

 

For further information and resouces:

http://www.tysiriol.com/  If you suffer from fibromyalgia and associated symptoms, Please visit this page and read Cathy's blogs.  She is a well informed, intelligent & very kind lady that really knows her onions.

http://www.ukfibromyalgia.com/

http://www.fmauk.org/

 http://www.fibromyalgie-france.org/

My work can also be viewed at:

http://www.artfinder.com/trac-davies
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Trac Davies - Artist ©