Trac Davies Artist - Musing's from the Depths.: 2018

Wednesday 29 August 2018

Black Dog - Departure.

Moving Away from a Depressive State of Mind: What lessons can be learnt or lost.

The Black Dog – Departure.

In the past few years, I have been working on a series called The Black Dog. I have been rather surprised by these pieces of work not only because of the random order that they have appeared, but also they arrive when they damn well feel like it, often when I’m planning on painting something entirely different! I still have one of the Black Dog paintings that I’ve been unable to finish, it’s sitting on the top of the wine rack in my studio and looks accusingly at me every time I pass it by. One day, the energy will open to me again and I’ll finish it but I have completed two other pieces in the lull.

One of these pieces wasn’t a painting but a pastel. I wasn’t planning on creating a Black Dog painting, I wasn’t even thinking of this series but somehow I managed to marry the series with another painting obsession of mine, the Red Riding Hood.

Black Dog - Departure. Trac Davies ©

Here we see a black wolf rather than a black dog and its face is rather expressive. It sits with its back to the viewer but in between two trees, partially hidden by the closest tree to us. Although the wolf has its back to us, he turns and faces the viewer sorrowfully. The departing figure is walking away from the viewer and totally hidden in a cloak of red, the tail of the cloak reaches a large bole in the tree where a white owl sits watching the figure as she departs. A fox sleeps in the base of that same tree, which is illuminated on one side by a full moon. The scene lit by this same moon, shows that it is winter, there are no leaves on the trees or on the ground. In the background there is a stark, bare and gloomy forest this contrasts with the foreground of the piece. The picture is dark, which depicts that the woman has been dealing with ”a dark night of the soul” and although she’s leaving this state and starting to heal, she’s not in the light of day just yet.

Departure is when we finally face that it’s time to leave behind a certain mental state and go into the black of the unknown, leaving the black dog and all that it represents behind. The woman, doesn’t look back as she is leaving. She is cloaked and she will be highly visible wearing a cloak such as hers but she is but also protected. When one leaves a certain in depressive state behind, we wear a persona that is both of our true selves and not at the same time. Our innermost self is protected by this highly visible person that we become and we develop this outer person to distract others away from the healing but more vulnerable self. As yet, she is not ready to show her innermost private soul to the outside world and perhaps she never will be, maybe the persona becomes the person that she is most comfortable with.

The woman walks into the depths of the black night, she does this without looking back, only the moonlight illuminates her way. This light renders everything in black and white and shades of grey so although her way at first may appear obvious, the grey areas put everything she sees and experiences in doubt. We do not see her face, again due to protection of the inner psyche but also because she’s taking no notice of the observer whatsoever. Once we proceed with such deep healing work, bystanders almost cease to exist. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, healing work such as this is so deep, it takes all of our energy to start walking along this path. At first, when we are trying to untangle ourselves from the confusion of deep gloom of our muddled mind, which here I have depicted with the dark and gloomy forest, we are very self-aware that the world appears to be watching our struggles and this can sometimes exacerbate the struggle. However, once untangled from all those negative emotions, we don’t look back but we do go into our inner self so our deepest thought processes and to what our heart holds most dearest. This state of being can be triggered by both external and internal forces but we have to really want to go through this because facing ourselves is one of the hardest things we ever have to endure. Facing our anger, fear, sadness and toxicity takes inner strength and in all honesty, we usually need a boot up the arse to get us moving. In addition, we have to be ready to take heed of this boot and listen to it and our innermost self in the first place.

The tail of the cloak surrounds the bole of the foremost tree in which resides a white owl, symbolising both wisdom and purity of mind. Once we take heed of the external and internal forces that push us to move away from the gloomy forest, it’s wise to keep moving forwards. The owl, is self explanatory, inner wisdom watches our progress and ensures that we keep moving forward, however fast this is. Progress is all that matters, the speed at which we move forwards isn’t really relevant. Being able to move forwards after being caught in the snares and thickets of our own mind is the main thing.

The fox is also evident. Depression is a wily beast to deal with and so we too need wile and much courage on this journey. When struggling in the thicket of the forest with our black dog, the fox would have been awake so as to help us thwart it. However, now it sleeps but you can see from its posture that it can soon be roused again if needed.

Finally we arrive at the black dog, which in this case is a wolf! Wolves are known to be fabulous predators but they will shy away from humans unless they have no choice and are starving hungry, even then they would prefer other prey. This black wolf has been part of the woman’s psyche for a very long time, this is why it is now a wolf rather than a dog. It has had no choice but to be a predatory beast because she hasn’t been able to either leash it or paradoxically, set it free, thus it had been predating on her exhausted mind. The wolf sits with its back to us because this is not about the viewer or their state of mind. There is additionally a tree is between the departing figure and the wolf because she has started the journey away from depression, thus now she can’t really see where it is and what it was. This is true in depression, the journey away means that often we forget what we became at that time and so miss the opportunity to learn from it. The wolf turns to face the viewer rather than the departing figure. When somebody is in the darkest throes of depression, in many cases this is all bystanders and acquaintances see. They do not see the person inside and continue not to for some time afterwards and in some cases never see the real person. Thus we can be a totally different person with new and good perspectives, we could no longer be depressed but others will not always see this, they will just see what you were in the past. Thus the wolf looks only at you, because this is your perception of that person which has been judged on past behaviour.

In truth, depression can be our best teacher about ourselves if we let it be and treat it right but if we don’t start progressively moving forwards, it can turn on us. When we finally have the courage to walk away, if we are not careful we end up walking away from the lessons that we have learnt. Our black dog should be our teacher and can be an old friend if we treat it right. Our black dog is part of us. Here the figure in the cloak walks away without a backward glance. Although this is the right thing to do and the only course of action that she should take, her dog will always be with her, denying it the privilege of accompanying her from time to time will only make it more difficult to deal with if she comes across it again.

Therefore, you can’t truly suppress it, lock it away or leave it behind. Your black dog is part of you and her wolf is sad because she is denying herself these feelings that shouldn’t overwhelm her but are still part of her and need to be dealt with on a daily basis, even if it is to touch base from time to time.

Once we walk away from a depressive state, it’s good and the right thing and is also part of a huge mystery because we don’t really know what we’ll find there. To deny everything that has gone before can backfire. To let your black dog accompany you but leashed is the better alternative. Yet this is a deeper part of learning that many miss. It takes years to learn to love your black dog and snuggle with it but once you do THIS is when the healing truly starts.

Tuesday 31 July 2018

The Red Shoes.

The Red Shoes - Trac Davies ©

The Red Shoes twinkle in shop lights
Artificial and bright, I feel stifled
A false arena, never belonging
I feel like a cow at the market
Apprehensively meandering in a daze
Just like a beast for the slaughter.
Looking for sandals that fit me
Something practical but hippy-chic pretty
Nothing with heels for those days have gone
I no longer feel sensational
Slinking jagged tiger, prowling at night
In jeans and leather or lycra.
I despise any form of shopping
Especially in fashionable boutiques
And all the sandals twinkle so prettily
Their narrow insteps all mock me
Their open toes have no tongue to poke
But if they did, they would and they'd say;
You cannot wear me!
You would never get me on!
I am far too slender a fit!
For someone like you!
Someone like me
I feel abnormal.
I wonder if this is why Cinderella went barefoot
Until the fashion fairy visited
And chose her dress, her shoes and her future
Forcing another woman onto her soul
With three wishes and empty promises
All about happy ever afters.
And as I contemplate the Red Shoes tale
I realise how similar the two stories are
Always about shoes and new lifestyles
Promising much but delivering nothing
Lies coated with champagne and chocolate
With bitter overtones on the tongue.
How could anyone say I like shopping?
As I lumber past displays in ugly crocs
And all the women there seem insubstantial
As if made out of mist and of moonlight
I try this pair, I try that pair but they're all too small
Sandals silently mock with vanished tongue.
But by now I'm hectic and muttering
Because I have never been a narrow fit
Not even when slim and so feckless
How I miss those golden days but hated shopping back then!
But didn't feel like an elephant in a ballet
Charging past the fashion queens with their tiny feet.
Who titter and mock my presence
Bright eyes watch someone they'll never be
And for their sakes I hope they won't walk this path
For it twists and it turns and is rocky
Yet age and health issues catch us on that road
Even when thin and insubstantial.
As time passes and we accumulate wear and tear
Yet I remember my youth and vitality
And I recall the confidence that this gave me
But those days have passed into another Dimension
And all that fit are these Red Shoes
That I, in my panic have chosen.

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Trac Davies ©

Tuesday 24 July 2018

Black Dog series - No Possible Escape.

No Possible Escape - For When we are Forced to Face Ourselves.

The Black Dog series are something that I have been working on periodically since late 2015. I started out painting these in oils and have one or two in semi-completed stages. Sometimes when I am in the midst of creating a piece the energy sometimes goes, and I dislike that because I could be in full energy-flow then all of a sudden find that for some reason I just can't finish a piece. In general I do tend to pick these up again much later but it can take years sometimes for the re-connection to be made. Thus, so often things are not in sequence as I feel they should be.

Recently, I created a Black Dog pastel piece, although this was more like a Black Wolf. One day, I decided that I was going to have another bash at pastels and to my surprise, ended up creating another Black Wolf or Dog. Maybe this is in the eye of the beholder but I do tend to see the Wolf with these pastel pieces rather than the Dog.

Black Dog - No Possible Escape. Trac Davies ©

This in some cases might seem self-explanatory. Here we have a scene that shows a woman hugging a dead tree, her face is turned away from the Wolf, who is wearing her cloak They are in a desert, hot sun, barren spaces with no shade or water.

Depression is one of those conditions, especially at the start of suffering, where people will turn and run and they will hide. They will hide not only from the outside world but from themselves. We all have a cloak or a mask to do just this and at some stages of our lives most of us do hide behind something else. Thus the cloak depicts our personality, it comforts us, protects us and we feel that we can function behind it whilst hiding our true face.

Yet the most important person we are usually hiding from is ourselves. We have all heard of the parable where the lost children of Israel wandered in the desert for a very long time. The yard-arm was 40 days and 40 nights, which basically meant that nobody knew just how long the time was that they were lost but it was a very long time.

Wandering in the emotional desert is something that people with depression tend to do when they are trying to get themselves back on even keel again. However, the longer we are lost in our own personal desert, the more we have to face something about ourselves that we would rather not.

Isolation, illness, bereavement, change of circumstances, moving house to a different area, moving to a new country, all of these things are examples of the 40 days and nights of isolation or lost years. They may last just a short while whilst we readjust to a new circumstance or loss but they may last for numerous years. The longer we stay in this state of mind, the more barren the desert becomes and the further away from ourselves we wander. So, instead of finding the respite and healing we need, this might just have the opposite effect. It depends on how we view it, because when life can be at its worst, where there is no respite from ourselves, when there is no internal shade, food or water, where we feel vulnerable and alone, it is then where we can find the real internal healing that we need.

The woman is in a shift, she looks drab and hangs onto a dead tree, she is hanging onto a dead life but it no longer serves her. She faces away because she doesn't want to look at the wolf. The tree has become just another cloak to hide behind but as this life dies, it becomes blacker and more rotten. This can make her very ill for she's hanging onto something that has died and it is internally killing her. In addition, this past self or life isn't hiding her because she has outgrown it so she is very noticeable. The sun beats down, there is not respite, she has to turn and face the fact that her life as she knew it is now over but she won't.

You see, the wolf who wears her cloak and is sitting patiently waiting for the woman to acknowledge its presence is part her own self. In nature, the predatory wolf tends to cut down the elderly and sick when they hunt and it is no difference here. Our Black Wolf will hunt and attempt to destroy those parts of ourselves that are sick or we have outgrown. However, as she is holding on for dear life to a life that no longer serves her, she has now become toxic to herself more than she has to anybody else and she is hurting herself. She has put herself further into the 40 days and nights more than the original situation did.

Eventually, she will have to turn and face herself, her wolf or her dog, is snarling because at present she won't. She is too busy being in denial that her old life is dead. All this does is make her black wolf-self attack her and sometimes just with the knowledge of its presence alone. It is there, she knows it is there but denies it, she also denies things have changed and so she attacks herself with her own denial and because of her denial the wolf-side of her grows angrier and larger.

Here she finally has to turn to face who she is, there is nowhere else to run, there is no hiding place as the tree will wither and die along with her old life. If only she could turn and embrace the life she now has in front of her, if she could hold her black dog in her arms and accept who she is, what she is, what she has now and what has past or gone, then there would be healing and respite.

Until she does, she will be caught in this stalemate and the longer she holds onto the past life or past selves, the harder it will be for her to face herself and her new life, but she will, because she has to. There is no other option.

PostScript.

In my haste to write this, I had forgotten a very important part of this piece of art. The wolf in the red cloak is snagged by the hood on the dead tree. So therefore, the wolf or black dog can't leave until the woman hugging the tree lets go of her dead life. Once she turns to face the wolf, letting go of the tree, thus accepting her new life, she will also let go of the wolf. In accepting our new selves we also let go of the depression, because it's only because we have not accepted a new life or way of being, that we have not let go of a dead life, that the wolf is still there. In holding on, we hold onto this state of mind.

My work can also be viewed at:

https://www.artfinder.com/trac-davies

https://www.etsy.com/shop/TracDaviesArtist

http://www.redbubble.com/people/tracdavies

http://tracdavies.deviantart.com/

http://www.zazzle.co.uk/tracdaviesartist

https://www.facebook.com/TracDaviesArtist

https://www.instagram.com/tracdavies/

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Trac Davies©

Monday 16 July 2018

Hereditary, How can we Define Uniqueness?

Hereditary, What makes us unique, out inside world or our outer one?

Before I started this piece of work, I was going through a huge artistic block. I get these from time to time but this time, rather than it being me getting in the way of myself, as I so often do, it was more about circumstances that at the time were beyond my control and affected me on a deeply personal level. Usually I can paint throughout these types of things and was able to for a while but one day, I reached the studio and found that I just couldn’t pick up a brush. Whatever I did wouldn’t work, nothing helped, not even the abstract side freed me so I knew that I had to walk away for a while and do something else.

I wrote instead, getting a huge amount done and whilst I was typing away I wondered how I could get into the rhythm of painting. One morning I woke up and decided not to use either brush or palette knives but to use my fingertips and the results are now here.

Hereditary is about who we are. Our finger and foot prints develop in the womb, they are unique, and they develop in the way they do due to the composition of the mother’s amniotic fluid, where we are and our movements. No two individuals share them, not even identical twins so these are totally specific to us. I have never met two people that are exactly the same, it just isn’t possible and fingerprints and also those of the feet are unique, they can identify us, you can’t take a print of the soul but you can of fingerprints or feet.

When I started this painting, I started with just one colour on each finger or thumb tip, as I progressed, I started using different colours and there are prints that have four or five different colours mixed up. This is indicative that although our fingerprints are unique, they are unchanged but our ideals, ways of life, emotions, feelings, wants and needs, and intellectual capacity are ever-changing. I am not the same Tracy as I was in my youth, my young adulthood, earlier this year or even a day ago, I change but I’m still the same person that I used to be at the same time.

We are all unique and special but although our fingerprints are unchanging we cannot be defined by them. What defines a human being is what they do, what they think and how they generally are - to others as well as themselves. Although our unique fingerprints are fixed we are not, we shouldn't be because we do not grow unless we change. Our own special identity is totally unique but so is the growth that comes from changing how we feel and what we think.

Without growth we stagnate but this growth and our ideas or ways of being should never take away our uniqueness, these things can only add to it thus enhance who we are and we should only be defined by our character, not by our outer self.

Wednesday 11 April 2018

The Gateway.

The Gateway, Lives within Lives and how to find Inner Calm.

When I paint for others, I try to reflect something that reflects the life of the person or people. The couple that requested this commission did so some time ago and this is an earlier painting. At the time, they lived in more than one world; they were extremely busy but when they could, they have as much calm time as possible.

Here we see a sunrise over a choppy sea, but the waves stop at an archway and within that archway the environment is very different, depicting two different lives. Here it is tranquil, the sea within is calm and a mountain resides within. A full-moon has risen but a solar eclipse is taking place, which shows important change and beauty. A female being stands, with wings outstretched on this mountain - I have left the viewer to decide what she is and which way she is facing as people see this part of the painting differently, as I do on a daily basis. The mountain reflects of different elements of Gaia and this mountain is reflected by the sea.

However, when one turns the painting around to look at the reflection, it is seen differently. What looks like a fish in the upright position is actually another rising sun elsewhere and the being on top of the mountain is different, being masculine for a start, indicating balance between the two people.

The upright view of the painting feels calm, despite the outer choppy seas and the solar eclipse but the reverse is different, although it is reflected in the calm sea, viewers feel the being has an entirely different energy, which is not as calm.

This painting reflects worlds within worlds, with its different energy forms and this reflects the lives of the lovely couple that commissioned me to paint The Gateway.

When I painted this, the couple in question were living two lives, for they were living in both the UK and France and were back and forth over the water many times over the year. They both yearned for calm, because their lives were frantically busy and still are, although more settled.

I find that this holds true for many people, what appears on the surface to be one life is often a myriad of different lives within one life. In addition, people do generally try to go forwards into the future, but as the figure on-top of the mountain shows, whichever way she is facing it can show forwards or back. As we look forwards, so we look back, whether this is of a conscious decision to view that past or not. Whatever we decide to do, we go by past experiences, often this shore us along the way, helps us with our decisions in the future, such as with this couple, they have no fear, they face the future with bravery and will decide whatever is right for them, nothing will hold them back from what needs to be done.

This holds true even now, for things have changed for them many times over the years since I painted this, the decisions that they have made, over those years, have been right for them at the time. Nobody said it was going to be easy and it hasn't been but the ways forwards have been right and true. That is all that many of us want over our own lifetime, integrity, honesty, truth and living a life that is right for you and it is by doing this, that inner calm can be found.

For Hayley and Jon. It'll be reyt!

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